Jordan Peterson: The best relationship advice

Jordan Peterson talks in this video about some of the best relationship advice. He helps you decide whether or not you should stay with your current partner.

This video comes from professor Peterson’s: “2015 Maps of Meaning 8: Mythology: The Great Mother / Part 1 (Jordan Peterson)”

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how many chances do you think you’ll have in your life for like a serious high-quality intimate relationship what do you guys think how many chances into half okay that’s good that’s good yeah right let’s say you probably talked about in about five okay 2003 so you know that’s not that many chances plus you get old quick you know by the time you’re 45 you’re not going to have the family and the well you can do that sometimes if you’re male with your female maybe but it gets pretty rough and you’re looking probably at that point at a fair bit of in vitro and that sort of interactions top it’s hard on people so you know not only do you not have that many chances you don’t have that much time so you’re going to get it right so if you get it wrong it costs you like maybe it’ll cost you five years five years is a long time so and three five-year costs it’s like you’ve lost things there that you can’t replace okay so that’s one part of it is you don’t have that many chances and it’s costly due to burn up the time okay the second thing is a divorce is very complicated like it’s not so bad if you get divorced – someone who’s reasonable but often the reason that you’re getting divorced is that one or the other or both of you aren’t that reasonable and what that might be is that you might be negotiated with someone whose basic goal is to make sure that you don’t have another day of success in the next 20 years and if that’s their goal they will attain it so and there’s lots of ways people do that and they usually do it by holding their children hostage and people will definitely do that they do it all the time you know so you want to avoid them and then you know then of course it’s harder on the relationship you have with your children and like that’s those are probably the most relationship important relationships you have in your life you know it’s like might be parents might be siblings might be your your partner might be your kids but I think when it comes right down to it your parents are old and so are you but your kids aren’t and they’re just as close plus they eat you and so you start twisting and messing that about boy it’s hard on your psyche it’s hard on the kids too so you know oh it might be a 15-year cost if you’re in a custody battle and it cost you a quarter million dollars okay it’s a complicated question what I would say is don’t make the kind of mistakes that getting you into such a stupid relationship to begin with okay because that’s the answer to that question and the way you do that is by trying not to delude yourself any more than is absolutely necessary and that means when you’re in the damn relationship tell the person the truth and try to figure out what the truth is for you and don’t put up with any nonsense and stand up for yourself and also aim towards the good you know if you do all those things then your relationship is probably going to work if you’re trying to do all those things really and you have a partner that will not do that then leave but it’s a rare person who won’t do that if they’re stepped along the way properly and they learn how to do it now and then when everyone’s like that because you do run into some people who are basically devoted towards mayhem and trouble you know but usually you know a person is a balance of striving for the good and you know messing about in the health and you know you’re both like that when you start a relationship and you try to tilt it towards the good and then you won’t run into that problem so but you have to do that right from the beginning of the relationship you know this doesn’t take that much to corrupt a relationship so that it’s not really salvageable enough mistakes three or four acts of infidelity you’re done you don’t get to come back from that because the fundamental element of trust is being removed and then you can’t communicate because you don’t know if they’re telling me the truth and then they don’t know if you’re dealing with reality and if you’re not dealing with reality with your partner it’s like good luck fixing that it’s like you’re working on a ghost car well the real one is sitting in the shark with the motor up you know it’s not gonna get you anywhere so a lot of the issue is don’t get in the trouble to begin with if you aren’t in the trouble well then you try to straighten yourself out and see if you can fix it well if you can’t your options aren’t great and it depends on the particular areas of the situation no no I have people that I councilĂ­s like leave that person and the rule is they’re lying to you they aren’t anything up and you won’t be able to tolerate being with them for 10 years without becoming resentful alcoholic and homicidal so that’s a bad outcome there’s nothing you can do to avoid it so you might as well leave but you know you have to have that sorted out it has to be the truth because it’s no fun it’s no good to leave someone who’s struggling in the look in the lurch you know what do you think well I’m with this person they’re not going anywhere you know maybe they have an alcohol problem and they’re resentful it’s like but I’m all they’ve got well they bloody well better want to have to fix that because you’re not going to be able to the same place now if they really want to fix it more than anything and they’re willing to tell the truth about it and willing to interact with you then there’s a ghost of the chance you might pull through it but it’s very hard to fix someone and it’s really hard to fix someone who does not want to be fixed and there’s lots of people like that so this is why the reasons an answer to the question it depends on the particularity of the situation and so a lot there’s there’s lots of situations where a general answer doesn’t suffice but I would say it is this is a tough one I can tell you what’s happened since the divorce law Scott you are liberalized the first thing that happens is that all of you are going to be divorced at about the same rate as people would have 50 years ago because rich people still get married and they generally don’t get divorced poor people do not get married and that’s like 60% of the population and it’s ramping up quick and there’s no evidence whatsoever that that’s anything but catastrophic so kids who are raised by single parents do not do as well now that doesn’t mean there aren’t some single parents who are doing a stellar job obviously there are under some married parents that do a terrible job that’s not the issue the issue is the bulk of the evidence and the bulk of the evidence strongly suggests that children who are raised with two parents do better well duh why well why it’s impossible raise children Jesus they’re expensive they’re troublesome they’re smart and they’re useless you know so and you’ve got them for 20 years it’s like you’re gonna do that by yourself sure you are you know you’re gonna be working at a horrible forty hours a week or more like a retail John for example or they just cheat you like a slave and then you’re going to go home to your miserable kids as Austin it’s like that’s not fun and you know it’s increasingly the norm for huge chunks of our population like you need this liberal types like all of you for example don’t pay much attention to what happens to people who are actually poor but as far as I can tell it’s been a bloody catastrophe for them you know there’s an old saying when the upper class gets a call the lower class gets pneumonia and you know the thing about that saying it’s true it’s like it’s not a metaphor it’s literally the case if an epidemic sweeps through a population the population dies from the poor people awkward because they’re so damn stressed so you know I would say with regards to marriage I would be very long time it’s just about 26 years now you know and I’ve noticed a bunch of things about marriage one is two brains are better than one and so if you actually communicate with your partner because they’re not like you it’s like you have a corpus callosum between you you know and they’ll tell you things that you don’t understand you know like when you’re being stupid you know in a typically family many ways they are typically masculine way or whatever stupid way you men must be stupid you know and that can be really helpful even though it’s extremely annoying you know and they can help you make decisions and they’re good place – they’re a good place to confess – you know and it’s really helpful when you’re trying to figure out how to discipline children so that you’re not apathetic milksop who lets them run all over you or some tyrant who you know likes to beat them with a stick when they sneeze you know hopefully you kind of find some Pleasant middle ground in there and it’s a lot easier to do that with two people than with one and then they can spell you off when you’re exhausted particularly use if you have small children because you will be exhausted when you have small children you know plus the narrative of your life has continuity and that’s nice you know and if your home is set up properly it’s actually a pleasure to go to it you know it is a it is a buttress against the chaotic and and uncaring external world does the external world in many ways doesn’t give a damn about you you know so if you go home and it’s set up reasonably well it’s like hey you’ve got somewhere to belong that’s not so bad in many situations like when something bad happens you know okay yeah go do some kind of imperative thing right and so say it’s like and then why I just happened but but in some situations people know thing I would apparently don’t want to get to actually be preparing so they go to people who are specialists in like other areas of like personal whole psychological of dealing with the stomach that anything but divorce like attention-deficit work on your attention scripts or like work on these or leg of assertiveness training or something like that but like they’re not there like they’re diligently avoiding the heart of the matter and so it was you were in a family with somebody like that is there something you can do well you know some situations are like humpty-dumpty right there’s no putting it back together yeah now but again in terms of avoidance of those situations it’s like you think about that hierarchy yeah well divorce is a low-resolution high-impact solution because it just tears a chunk of that hierarchical throws it away that’s a lot and it’s cost it’s gonna hurt you okay so then you think well what what might you do instead of that and the real answer is solve the damn problems as they arise you know and that’s hard and it requires drilling down the gradient requires drilling down so one of the things I want to build for example which I haven’t deals yet kind of I’m going to be like this future offering thing that you guys do I want to build a problem-solving matrix for for couples because like because it here’s how not to get divorced from your wife figure out how to set the table problem now what does that mean it’s really really complicated it’s like who’s gonna cook when are they gonna cook why are they cook how should you respond to it who buys groceries what are the groceries going to be who’s going to put them away how do you say thanks when someone does something for you in the domestic environment and what’s happened and this is part of the death of God roughly speaking is that the roles are gone okay and what that means is you better be awake because it turns out that running attention in a house is unbelievably complicated and difficult and so you have to negotiate how to do it and you’re a terrible negotiator you don’t know how to decompose the damn problem to the point where you could solve it you won’t admit what you want you won’t admit what your life you all pay attention to what actually irritates you you know so you like to think that your nice needs to get along with but you’re not

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