Tony Robbins – How to Rebuild a Broken Relationship – Tony Robbins Relationships

this is a story of a very nice couple to people who cared for each other deeply the problem was they were making each other miserable and they didn’t know why sound familiar the fact is that often nice people in nice relationships are doing terrible things to each other watching this film can mean the difference between life and death for your relationship millions of people separate and divorce each year with great suffering to themselves and their children when actually the relationship could be turned around in one hour in this film you will learn how to block the patterns of misunderstanding and estrangement and recover the possibility of truly loving each other we begin our story at an Anthony Robbins conference for 4,000 participants people are standing up and sharing some of the fears that hold them back Paul stands up you’re afraid yes what are you afraid of a lot of things okay what are you most afraid of that if I leave my wife I’ll lose my identity and my self-worth and I’ll lose their love and love for myself you probably will in fact it’ll be worse than that what do you mean you lose the identity that you have right now you’ve built novel they for whatever you think you are but you’ll fire off all your fears that you failed you will do them kids yes yes you’ll feel them hating you at times you’re going to lose a lot of money more than you think let’s see what else anybody else want to chime in here yeah that’s what else he’s gonna have another guy bring up his kids he’s gonna fall in love with another woman to make all the same mistakes all over again this is my wife hi what’s your name hi Jennifer Jennifer this is a rather uncomfortable spot to be in why’d you stand up give her a hand there’s my day [Applause] um because I love him all right I don’t know but I was one of those people that said I wanted to go home this morning I bet I wouldn’t blame you honey why did you want to leave this morning food was that bad last night because I wanted to go home and get love from my kids it’s by the way this is what most women do by the way is most women even marry a man that is a good man but they’re not passionately in love with because they know they’ll get that real love from their children they believe how many women how many women know a woman who’s done this let me see your hands but the problem is then you burden those children and eventually they do grow up and there is a stage when you don’t feel their love either I just feel that my love for my kids is unconditional I know how old are your kids five and four wait a little bit is your love for this man unconditional yes is that your experience sir I think I’ve had a lot of struggles with physical attraction I think she’s got the most amazing eyes and smile I’ve ever seen in my life and I tried to tell myself that physically that was all that I needed and it wasn’t Tony has asked Paul whether Jenn’s love for him is unconditional instead of answering the question Paul puts the blame on himself for not being attracted to her this is recent to suspect that there is an acid rule in this couple that her love cannot be questioned and so do you love this woman I love her deeply yes how do you you really need to be honest right now to be fair to her and you and everybody else in this room so I’m gonna ask you to not give me the answer that just shows up right away I want you to really feel and your soul what’s real I do believe you love her by the way but I just want you to really really answer honestly is that fair yes I don’t feel that she was the person I was meant to be with for the rest of my life and how many years have you guys been married nine but that’s so now you discussed leaving yes how long has that been scheduled going on two years now you want to leave I want to be free of the pain on both sides because this pain gone and there’s pain and leaving and this pain and staying I say so you just stayed where you are that’s where I that’s where I’ve been and I’m sick I’m fed up with feeling this way it’s unfair to her it’s unfair to me I say so you basically believe you know what’s right but if not had the guts to do something you got it on the one hand Paul feels the need to leave the relationship on the other hand he still wants his wife’s love and respect there is something strange about this reasoning Tony knows there must be something else is it just her physical appearance no okay because I want to get that out because everyone in this room has stopped breathing and any man with a heart just done the same because this dynamic of how many of you and your first impression of this man is it Paul yes have all how many first impression of Paul was a man with a big heart let me see show hands if that was your first impression of him how many of you when he talked about loving his wife but having this thing about the visual tightened your first impressions are usually accurate when you’re not from a judgmental place when you’re in your heart and you didn’t have a judgment to start with so my bet is your first judgment was accurate the second one tightens all of us because we all are afraid of not being enough and so we all put ourselves in hurt if we have a heart and if you care we all put ourselves in her shoes with her a male or a female and go we’ve all felt unwanted over something that seemed unfair with somebody else we loved on the other hand there’s another possibility or two and the possibility is that his description visually is an anchor to other things as well that are deeper and harder for him to articulate so what besides the visual because you said there is some other things is that not true yes and I want just honesty because I’m gonna ask her the same thing because she’s honest she’ll tell me some things about you and this is not you about her okay maybe to make it fair tell me the things you do love about this woman that you think are immeasurably beautiful and don’t use fluff and don’t her or us okay I think that the fact that she keeps loving regardless it shows how much of a quality person she is I was attracted now equality she was I’ve never seen anyone love and support more people that she loves she does she overdoes why is it over why does it over does I mean she she tries to sacrifice what’s important to her just so someone else can experience something good so I guess her generosity it is still difficult to understand why bar wants to leave someone he would praise this highly what is he leaving out what else do you love about her sense of humor thank god she’s there to cue your ass every comedians acknowledge what what a courageous and beautiful woman you are Tony honors Jen for using humor to break up the miserable emotional pattern fallen she worried her ability to shift the tone of the conversation is probably one of the things that has kept them together [Applause] I say that because to be in the midst of this situation and for you to be able to break his pattern and yours yeah just eye on ER your courage and only in standing up but the way you’re you’re here with us right now it moves me can I just add one thing yes she’s got balls I love that she’s got balls I love it she’s strong finally we understand Paul’s problem could it be that says Jane has the balls Paul doesn’t feel like a man in the relationship now let’s now let’s look another dynamic shall we Jennifer has a very strong feminine part of her but because she’s been so hurt the masculine part of her has become dominant which by the way he’s helped because he’s been such a in a previous intervention Tony had asked a woman to find her femininity by dancing on stage Jen doesn’t want to do that my sisters here oh you want her to do it first yeah now we know what Jen does when she’s under pressure she calls her sister what do you do when you’re under pressure who do you call good answer question she’s gonna kill me Tony what’s your name sissy Janet Janet are you still breathing yeah are you the older sister you’re the younger sister I’m not older I didn’t even know I feel like she’s yeah why do you always feel like she’s your older sister even though you’re the older one I look up to her why do you look up to her she’s just a great person then you’re not oh no no I’m very confident I don’t think I think I am a great person I know I am that’s good but she’s a great person in what way it’s Troy she’s very strong and I feel bad for her right now I bet you do I have such a great marriage and I love my husband so much and I almost feel guilty that everything’s so great I want it to be great for her – so do you mute your own relationship when you talk to her about – her sometimes yeah so that means you guys don’t have to have the same level of intimacy even though you love each other because you’re not being totally truthful I just don’t share everything just so guys remember this that’s called not being truthful I I’m so happy with who I am and who I am with my husband yes and I want her to have that too yes why do you think she doesn’t have that tell us honestly and please please I love her enough to tell us honestly what you really think I think she would feel better about herself if she was thinner and I think that if she was she would tell him to go himself but I also I also want to say that I love Paul but when he’s not nice to her I want to smash him when he’s when he’s wife when he’s not nice to her but that’s how I am with my entire family from my husband to everybody if you’re mean to them I’ll rip your eyes out so you think if she took care of herself regardless of him she feel better about herself if she felt better about herself she wouldn’t put up with a yes okay why else do you think her relationships not where she wants it to be she for me the thing that I have with my husband is were honest with each other and I tell him listen I’m not putting up with his and I think that she needs to do that but she’s afraid that if she tells him how she really feels that he’ll leave her and she’s afraid to be alone yes and when you tell your husband you’re not gonna put up with his how doesn’t respond I can’t think of anyone greater I we’re just the best of friends and he respects that about me he respects that yes Tony he’s here too you could always he’s here too according to the sister politics power in the relationship by threatening to leave which results in Jen feeling unable to express herself to him thus she goes to find connection with others her kids family and food how you do Brian this is a surprise now what would you say what you say is the challenge for these two because you know them too I understand is that right I do and I love them both very much well the two of you love them both so what would you what would you say is the problem I think they lack communication and I think that what way I think that they’re caught up in their lives and their problems and their work looked focused you feel what you focus on so they’re focused on the problems they can never find the solution very nice can hammer this and what’s the problem that they focus on since you know them finances mmm time tell me about the finances I don’t know I try not to know about him because I try to mind my own business my wife she says mind your own business and keep your nose out of it so regarding their finances I don’t know you can ask them okay but but now that you’ve appeased your wives tell me what you know I [Applause] believe that Paul doesn’t feel significance and love because Jennifer gets help from her family and when she gets help from her family it makes Paul feel less significant less of a man well you mean financial help from the family right so she gets help financially from her family and he feels displaced in that area by the way look at his head right now is is going you know no one’s looking at him and as that’s gone like this so you hit the spot on in there okay continue I also think that Jennifer has such great love for her children her sister and her family that Paul feels fifth six or seventh place okay now Paul is instead of nodding his head he’s starting to cry so what appeared to be the problem it’s not the problem at least from one person’s perception it’s so easy to generalize isn’t it my friends but then you never get to what’s really going on whatever you’ll stand up and they tell me what the problem is I immediately go okay let’s figure out what the real problem is cuz the presenting problem is almost never the problem those are very insightful any feedback from her side of the point of view of what you see on her side just because he’ll have to deal with my sister if he says anything bad about me so that was a supportive comment exactly trying to protect him trying to protect him I say I’m sure he can make his own decisions he seems to be wearing his balls today and from her point of view from what you see if you were looking at her point of view from the outside you’re not in her obviously um Paul buries himself in his work because why go home when your wife loves everybody more than you or at least that’s the perception I know she loves her husband very much but the perception through actions is that my mother wants you to watch right now what’s happening with these two don’t as you listen to him you can watch these two and boy are you getting some body language here he’s holding back trying them to cry and her arms about his plight easy to be if she doing his bounce she’s riding horse she warned him about his sister but I don’t know if that’s what she was really doing okay continue please this is very fascinating another observation that I have is that when they before they had children Jennifer worked and Paul worked and when they had their children a decision was made that Jennifer was going to be full-time mom and when you have one child and then very immediately after another child chaos breaks through if you’re not financially emotionally prepared for all that so the decision was made for Jennifer to be full-time mom and Paul has some strong feelings about her being full-time mom in my in my opinion what do you think those are that she can be a great mom a loving mom a loving wife and can contribute to the support financially of our household why do you think that’s important to him um so the burden is not all on his shoulders that’s it anything else can give us an insight it’s been extraordinary I don’t have to have anything else as a certainly valuable this is what happens when you ask different people for their opinion you get a totally different point of view we’re jealous sister had seen Paul as powerful because he threatened to leave Brian sees Janus powerful because of her family and her money let me just come back to sissy anything you’d like to add or subtract or disagree with him on your perceptions no what do you agree with him on now that your nose is in it yeah I definitely agree with everything that he said everything is yes okay so you agree that finances are a big focus for them I would say it’s such a focus that you just can’t get out of their way with it and I think that if they just would focus on how they can get themselves out of it instead of feeling it so much every day think of solutions and remember why they’re together in the first place I feel that if you’re married you fight to keep that your there’s a reason whether or not you think that she’s your soul mate or not God brought you to her and you’re lucky to have her but I also think that she’s lucky to have you too Paul I I love you and I know that was your question too when you look at the two of them and they’re so caught up in the finances that’s not all they’re caught up in anymore though is it no I think that men are physical and I think that’s one of the things that maybe Paul is caught up in but I think that a woman’s beauty is inside and that’s why you love her anyway is because of what she is inside if she lost 50 pounds she’d still be the same person inside can I ask you a question why aren’t you the same size as your sister because I was heavy as a child and it was so much pain for me that I made a decision that I will never be having you get that surgery no body design and how does your sister use food I think as like a connection and a love hmm I still in my I love food yes but there’s a place that I get to where if I gain like a couple of pounds that’s it good yeah and why does he let hers continue I can’t answer for her I don’t know what do you think I don’t maybe a protection thing or maybe a Turk attached that’s her way of getting love it’s always there it’s certain and it gives her that immediate comfort if you were gonna give them advice right now what would you tell them to do after all this discussion don’t give up you have two beautiful children and you really love each other when a couple is in conflict they typically feel uncertain and insignificant in really to each other so they seek to meet these needs outside of the marriage with a consequence that the relationship is weakened Jen tries to derive certainty from her family and children and Paul derives significance from the threat of leaving the marriage these resources are weapons that they use against each other Tony must get them to lay down their weapons so that they can get from each other the love that they really crave so did you guys talk during the break I’m just curious yes yes I totally went to pee okay good it’s kind of too much information sorry Jen has just revealed one of her weapons her biting sense of humor I mention impose bodily functions in public she puts him down this is also her way of telling Tony that it was Paul who broke off the conversation between them so tell me now what did you talk about I’m gonna talk for him he basically said that people were saying don’t give up and he said that he wouldn’t be standing here if he was giving up why did you talk for him because I have the balls no I’m just kidding I’m just kidding I’m just kidding I’m just kidding I’m just kidding yeah cuz it takes no balls to stand in front of 2,000 people and 4,000 it’s 4,000 I don’t know well yes you do now tell me why it’s not the first time you’ve spoken for him is it no [Applause] by the way look at me he’s actually he strapped his balls back on for a few minutes it Jen’s humor damages their marriage when it puts fall down on the other hand we have seen that Jen’s jokes also keep them together when her humor interrupts pause anger or sadness her jokes also serve as an outlet when he will not let her express herself directly many women are more verbal than their husbands who might react with anger or by stonewalling Jen’s challenge will be to find new ways to interrupt both patterns without making him feel emasculated Tony will not let Jen off the hook and will confront her until she understands how and why she overcomes her husband in conversation about so it’s not the first time you’ve done this is it okay it’s the toy second time okay you mean today no the last hour very funny oh I see it’s funny if you say it but not if somebody else does hang up so this is not just a pattern in the moment yes it is no it isn’t I’m lying oh really [Laughter] jen has demonstrated that she tends to dominate conversations with Paul this means that any change that Paul might make here will later undergo Jen’s judgment and criticism in order to create a lasting change in the couple Tony will work most directly with Jen Paul will transform indirectly by witnessing Jen so why do you speak for him why do you decide what’s funny and what’s not I don’t know oh and if I did know I still would have known but you’re the one who always those cuz you speak for everyone so I don’t speak for everyone just for him no I speak for myself too oh so you speak for him and yourself that’s good I believe you speak to yourself too why do you speak for him why didn’t you just let him share what he wanted to share because I didn’t know whether they’d be able to do without getting jammed up so you went ahead and just did it for him right and so how emasculated do you think he would feel living with someone who doesn’t think he has the balls to do anything after he just stood up before the whole room as he pointed out right after you said it right how emasculated do you think that you think that would make a man feel like you perceived him as being your man can I say sure I was asking a question though why did I speak for him is that still one well you’re not listening no I was another no is that a pattern as well no that’s his pattern are you sure definitely I’m certain is it yours as well no I always listen really what did I just say when just a moment ago don’t stall for time tell me what I said and I will always listen tell me what I said you won’t get by with a ship why was I afraid that he was gonna get upset pardon me why was I afraid that he was gonna get upset that’s not what I asked you obviously weren’t listening okay so this was the one time I wasn’t listening I’m glad we have a morning of firsts you can act the with me but you won’t get the with me you can leave the conversation with me you can choose do that because you can’t deal with it or you can talk to me but you can’t talk to me and me yeah I’m not your little man next to you my man you can slap around and you can dominate until the point that he finally gets pissed enough that he does something I’m not that man neither is he boy you seem to know a lot about him so you don’t listen you decide what’s gonna be shared you decide what its gonna be you anticipate how it’s gonna be and you work incredibly hard to control your world for one reason you’re scared shitless and you’re driven by certainty and comfort and so you go to where the comfort is available that’s why you go to your sister that’s why you go to your children it’s why you go to food and it’s why you go to humor cuz you have a good sense of it which I honored earlier and still do honor but you use it as a weapon sometimes as much as it a gift true or false true Jen uses humor as a weapon against fall because she is not getting from him the certainty and comfort that she needs in asking her to lay down her weapon Tony must show her what she will gain from doing so this is step 3 understanding what needs are not being met I’ve seen you make a slight shift if you continue that direction I think you’ll get what you came here for which is clarity and maybe a chance to not be so fearful and maybe if she has to have the love that’s so tight inside of you right now being protected be able to flow but what it requires just dirt level honesty with you because I’m no I’m nobody I’m gonna lead here I’m gonna make fun of me but you got to live with your life so I appreciate respect you’re going in this direction you know I respect and honor you I did I did it with tears of eyes when we started this that hasn’t changed I don’t honor you when you’re being disingenuous that’s not you but what he gave you was you felt certain he was a man who would love you and that you could love it’s not fair to say when you got married yes that had a lot to do with comfort true or false to your sissy over here looks up to you and loves you but she doesn’t live her life for comfort she’s got standards bingeing and there’s a must in her life must for herself must for a relationship honesty’s a must that isn’t comfortable and she’s not perfect I’m not you’re not nobody is but she’s got high standards in those areas and because yes nice and she has high rewards we are all driven by the need to fulfill six basic human needs these are not just desires or once but profound needs which serve as the basis of every choice we make the first need is for certainty that we can be comfortable a secure environment consistency in our relationships once we have met our basic need for certainty however our second need is for uncertainty for variety and the challenges which will exercise our emotional and physical range the third need is for significance every person needs to feel important needed wanted and worthy of love the fourth need is for the experience of love and connection everyone needs connection with other human beings and everyone strives for and hopes for love the fifth need is for growth when we stop growing we die we need to constantly develop emotionally intellectually and spiritually the sixth need is for contribution to go beyond our own needs and give to others although everyone must regularly meet the first four needs most people valued two needs above all these two primary needs are the driving force behind a person’s behavior what would you say of the six human needs are the top two for her because you know her very well loving connection that’s why I know what’s number two for security probably certainty certain right okay it’s just do you agree with that yes she does and what do you think have been the top two for you if you were brutally honest with yourself probably the same love and connection and certainty in that order no certainty first that’s that little ship does that sound like a little shift that’s a shift of a different world one is a world where love flows and the way she gets her certainty is the next thing she has different rules for certainty than you do what would you say we’d be different for her to have certainty what does she got to do for you to have certainty and comfort what do you got to do for me to have certainty I need to know that I’m loved yes how else what else has to happen for you to feel certainty so you can be comfortable that I am secure okay house to go what what do you mean by secure you mean financially secure yeah okay what’s currently you’re not absolutely not so you’re living a life where the most important things you in life is not being met and you have uncertainty about it correct when you’re uncertain how much love flows out of you tell me the truth not a lot when she’s uncertain love still flows out of her because it’s first do you agree with that or disagree I agree that’s the difference in her relationship in yours now there other factors don’t get me wrong that’s the number one nothing is more important than that fact than me being certain in your life currently in your current bottle the world the answer is yes nothing is more important the closest thing is love and they’re really close so it’s hard to say that all right because you really want love but you don’t let it be unless you I’m sorry I feel like they’re equal like certainty and love are like it’s hard to choose which one I would put far I know but if you had to look operationally even though you want love more you don’t allow yourself to feel unless there’s certain you don’t want to flow unless there’s certainly when you’re uncertain everything in your world disappears when certainty is valued over all else it is difficult to focus on other needs that lead to fulfillment such as love growth and contribution Robin’s points out that when Jen cannot feel certain everything else disappears including her other needs if Jen decides to value love over certainty she will be more capable of keeping her connection with Paul as they work on their financial situation I’ve not felt certain about his love for me in our and our relationship and so that’s been what I’ve been trying to get I understand but even before that honestly hasn’t certainly been the driving force but even as much as they’re equal if you’re uncertain you have a hard time expressing anything even thinking about anything else yes so the first thing I want you to get is what you’re needing most is something that has nothing to do with love and yet you’re needing it before you let yourself be able to embrace all of your love and I’m not making it wrong I’m just saying that’s the way you’ve wired yourself up until now and it’s before you met him because I have so much uncertainty in my life in every aspect of my life that I feel like I just I’m looking for certainty somewhere I understand you know but there are people that live with equal levels of uncertainty or more concern is still not their most valuable piece it’s not based on your life conditions it’s based on the way you’ve wired yourself up until then and you’re Cissy here and you share almost the same values but just by changing the sequence it’s it’s like if you’re making a phone call and you know the right numbers and you put them in the wrong order you think you’re calling Florida and you end up in Africa just by changing one number in the sequence same numbers different sequence different world in order to get a well-rounded picture of Jen’s life Tony will ask her to assess how she meets all of her six needs this kind of assessment is useful for evaluating what point you are at in your life so if I asked you on a 0 to 10 how much certainty you’re really feeling in your life right now 10 being absolute total certainty and there is – categories where would you say you you are right now in your life honestly maybe it – okay and what do you need to at least become to believe it I deserve it sounds captain cry is 7 so you’re right you’re somewhere you need to be yep I mean there are certain things in my life that I’m absolutely certain about I’m sure and you go those things when you need to get stable datum don’t you write one of those is that your kids will love you absolutely how certain are you that on a 0 to 10 scale 100 hundred how much signal how significant you feel to your kids um pretty significant although yeah pretty significant 0 to 10 what would you give it probably an 8 hey and how much growth is involved in raising your kids a lot 0 to 10 what would you give it probably a 9 okay and how much contribution did you say feels it said to two kids to my kids yeah like a nine yeah okay so you got one that meets all of your needs at 9s and 10s and then another one of course is your family right and another source for you yes uncertainty and love absolutely and how much certainty do you have that your family is in the lobby of zero to ten a hundred and how much so significant do you feel you are to your family zero to ten I mean ain’t an A and how much love do you feel from your family zero to ten ten and how much variety is there in your family in terms of stimulation conversation ideas feelings seven and how much growth comes from the interactivity family mm-hmm it depends on who I’m interacting with okay I won’t go into that one right now that opens up a whole nother conversation does exactly you’re talking about your father no I lost my father okay that’s okay a year ago this week one certainty huh closer closer your father or your mother definitely my father strongman yes man who you got his respect by being strong yes but he gave you more than crumbs or crumbs oh he gave me absolutely everything yeah you were his little baby girl definitely his strong little baby girl yeah talked about it a lot all the time What did he say about you that I was perfect that bastard told her his perfect but she was perfect because she played the perfect role as a man and now she’s in the midst of wondering why she’s losing her husband and having to get all her love from her kids and her family I kind of feel like I play that role for my mother now that you’re now the man in the family for the mother sort of so yeah I’m sorry to hear about your father’s passing thank you by the way when you shared that how many saw a little girl come out for a few moments raise your hand and what happened the little little girl came out who saw what the man next to her did what did he immediately do if you watched his face he didn’t do it because he’s supposed to how many saw that he did it because he felt her needing him and he reached over and grabbed and pulled her close now that Jin has laid down her weapons and showed honesty openness and vulnerability about her needs fall naturally comes to help her so far we have learned that Paul is not providing Jen with her number one need for certainty Jen is not providing Paul with the significance and connection which comes from being valued as a husband since they were not meeting these needs through each other they had to find other ways of meeting them Jen gets certainty from her family her kids and her family’s money Paul gets significance from being slim where she is not from burying himself in work and from flaunting his threat of leaving the marriage the question is when both partners are getting their needs met externally who are they to each other it is very difficult to sustain love for your spouse when your basic needs are met elsewhere in order to save the marriage Tony will block Jen from her usual sources of certainty and fall from his usual sources of significance and he will leave them both to where they will be satisfying each other’s most important needs what does your husband call you in front of me hon hon yep does they have any nicknames based on your first name he ever uses is it always on or does he call your first name ever how does it cost me Jen they call you take it as being love they’re not having to do anything to be loved are you taking it we also know in relationships that words create a change in biochemistry a change and focus it’s very nice than other words everyone different words mean different things now Tony is defining for Paul what Jen needs in order to feel loved one thing she needs has to do with choice of words to be called sweetie ask yourself what has to happen for you to feel loved do you respond better the words to touch to visual cues or gifts do you know what your partner needs in order to feel loved how often do you give it so when he says to you sweetie what happens inside your heart feels warm do you feel like telling him what he’s thinking at that time do I feel like telling him what he’s thinking Tony shows Paul that when Jen feels loved she has no need to use her weapons Tony has discovered something that Jen does when she is open to her husband she laughs Tony will cultivate her ability to laugh even you laugh different don’t you hear Betty Rubble Wow one thing I got yesterday was um when you were talking about masculine and feminine yes I think my family perceives me that way as well because it’s always like if there’s something heavy to lift or something you know it’s like oh don’t have Janet do it have Jennifer do it you know like and I feel like I well look at her I mean you know I feel like I and I feel like I kind of like need to keep up that role like thank you you know how about he just heard that but I don’t I don’t want that you know like I I said to him last night you know everybody like I have this masculine thing which whatever no no whatever is going back to the mass can stay stays sweetie for a moment because that’s the real you we’ve got another how many got to see the real her yeah it’s beautiful it’s loving it’s still strong but it’s not driven by trying to be strong it’s not controlling its flowing right yeah and I said you know I said I may not you know always stress sparkly and you know whatever but I always try and wear my makeup screwed up now but I always try and have my makeup on nice and do my hair and always look presentable you know so it and nobody it’s nothing to do with the way use your makeup you know it is has to do with your smile has to do that what pops in your eyes that’s do when you’re breathing freely it has to do it and who has nothing to do with your makeup that little smile yeah but look at smile right there tomorrow Tony is indirectly motivating Jen to take better care of her body and to cultivate her beauty that sarcastic let’s be in your face your momma thing you try to do with me earlier you’d never try it with your father oh yeah actually I did did it work when I was 16 I told them to off but I turned around and ran out of the house that’s a good that’s a good move look at that little smile there how many see a girl right now right over there Tony has managed to connect her to her femininity through a happy memory of her father how many sing a very different thing than you were seeing when they first stood up and start our I’m leasing a completely different thing so first of all I want to thank you for entering your feminine it’s beautiful you’d be able to do this in this environment that means you’re feeling a little bit of safety is that true yes when did you start feeling safe with me in this conversation when I start trying to around with you yeah and you didn’t go anywhere but you still felt that I care yeah well I’ve always known you cared but it was good to test it one more time so you test it and I passed the test right for now I know you’ll tell me again later and so when you’ve tested him what’s happened that’s disappointed you because it’s important he knows this honey when I’ve tested him in what way you know what way for loving me sometimes I got love and sometimes I didn’t right and when you didn’t scared the at him yes and so you got real feminine or you got real masculine in response to that probably masculine and what you do when you go to that masculine I’ve got defensive which I’ve every right to be there making that wrong but let’s just see what that does so we know okay and then when you got defensive what you do in that state all the way yeah and then when you pulled away what happened Madden get love I’m sorry I didn’t get love Oh what else happened what happened on the other side he pulled away too even more so what well there have been times when he’s been pulling away and I’ve continued to give him love even though he has pulled away yes I believe that’s true I believe that soldier back that’s one of the reasons he’s still with you right cuz he knows there are times that in his mind he didn’t deserve love and you still gave it to him right his head’s moving up and down by the way right now that’s what a mom does right she gives loving what the kid doesn’t deserve right well yet actually four of them because yet he is a mother and three sisters he didn’t have a father growing up mm-hmm okay I understand and so every man doesn’t want a mom every now and then but he doesn’t want to live with her reprimanding him all day right he wants an unconditional love that most men have never felt from anybody about their mother the interesting thing is women will give to their children unconditionally but rarely to their man because they believe their kids will always be there whoa if they love the man they love the way they love their children they’d have the same ongoing unconditional love but few women ever consider that because if you do that you’re gonna get hurt probably they forget that their children are gonna hurt them as well I mean at some stage of life when they feel the weakest not this stage but when they’re older and they feel have nothing to live for but their children they may not be there for them and then they felt life has cheated them completely when really they cheated themselves by realizing that the only time you have pain I told you yesterday is when you withhold your gift when you gave love to him even though he wasn’t giving it you were being who you were made to be not a mom a spirit a soul the beauty that you are a sweetie cut that little sweetie just gave love no matter what right right she didn’t give love because she had a game plan for how much am I getting back with a scorecard and she didn’t give love to say well gosh I love that person and are they gonna come back to me now and do it she just gave one because that’s who she was because she just radiated it right that’s by the way what’s kept it in fact I think that’s the part that except his head because what he’d also members at the times is when you pulled away and taken away love and that’s what scares the out of him so when it gets too overwhelming and complex and he doesn’t feel like a man I can promise you he’s gonna try to feel like a man by taking control the only way he could take control of his mind is leave you he’s got to live with somebody who’s got so many stacked hurts but there isn’t total trust maybe I should just start fresh so we’re both out of pain look at his head anybody see that once Jen really feels her experience of lack of love Tony builds a bridge between her loss of love and Paul’s loss of love so that she understands his needs now he will explain how Paul feels when he loses love he just wants he just wants to get back to a place if there’s love he doesn’t want to hurt you who doesn’t want to be heard he’s thinking he doesn’t believe he can succeed in making you happy anymore I see both your heads nodding and for all women in this room if you want to know what a man lives for instead of what you think he lives for it isn’t sex although he certainly lives for that too what he lives for is to make his woman happy because when he does that he feels successful tony is showing Jen that being happy would be a great source of certainty and significance if you takes you to a movie you love the movie I bought her that movie he gets to get credit inside I did good then I’ll do anything to do good for their woman but when they feel they can’t succeed in making them happy they will leave if they don’t leave physically they’ll leave for their work well they have an affair tony is showing Jim that both threatens to leave the marriage because she doesn’t appreciate his love now we understand why when Paul first stood up he said he both wanted to leave her yet was afraid of losing her love the idea of not being loved and appreciated by her puts him in such despair that he can tolerate staying in the relationship in any relationship by the way when somebody believes that their partner believes someone or something else is more important than they are trouble is ready to brew something or someone work or someone children sisters another woman business or buddies I definitely can see how he might think that about my sister yeah because beside him she’s it for me I know and your children Yeah right go ahead we’re gonna say no I’m that I mean I can see how he would feel that way because because what I haven’t gotten from her are from him she’s given to me right and what is he given that she hasn’t given you well he’s been here for me he’s I believe that he loves me in his soul she loves you in her soul oh I know I know I definitely know that she’s been there for you what is he giving you that she hasn’t what is what can he give you that she can never give it loving connection certainty I don’t know how many see what the problem is now as you’re him and I and I see that that’s a problem it’s more than a problem if you could be in his body right now feeling what he’s feeling and how long it takes you to figure out what it is that he can give you that she can’t then all it does is reinforce his deepest fear that he isn’t the most important thing in your life which is why you’d want to go somewhere else even though he loves you he loves you he just can’t live feeling like he’s not the most important thing to you which that man in the back even figured out looking from the outside so I need to change that this is the first time that jen has acceptance that she has to change by doing so she has to put up a barrier from her usual sources of certainty and to focus on meeting boss needs rather than being concerned just about her own to change that you’d have to notice something that you’ve not noticed in a relationship what makes a relationship work is having things in common right that’s what makes you comfortable that gives you your certainty what makes a relationship passionate is differences tony is beginning to address the issue of the lack of passion in the relationship Jen takes the conversation back to her need for feeling loved I know that I think that like other than my sister the only other person that made me feel really great was my dad and I think since I’ve lost him I feel like you know she’s my most certainty right so here’s what’s happened honey you gone to where certain love was see how to settle for a love that wasn’t passionate I saw your whole body just how many saw her body did you see it it was like you fell off balance when I said that did you feel that yes you also just started leaning against him can you feel that yes I wonder what that’s about so you have an incredible friendship and respect with your sister you’ve all C qualities in each other that you respect and love but we you’ll never get from your sisters intimacy I’m talking about sensual intimacy I’m talking about a place where every part of you was really free you haven’t been free that’s why you hung on a certainty because you think certainty is the best you can settle for when absolute freedom is what you yearn for but probably forgotten because you haven’t experienced in so long the man standing next to it all he knows is that for years he’s not he’s not your father he’s not your sister now he’s not the kids he’s not enough financially which is what you need – your need to be met up here and on top of that you pull up away but you give it to him – like he’s never had from anybody probably maybe his own mom or something that she’s lucky so there’s a push-pull and he does love you but I’m I have no balls I am no man I live in reaction are not enough I need to go someplace from enough and plus look at her she’s gotten fatter and fatter and you know I’m visually stimulated and I’m a man and and he will be stimulated anyway she doesn’t feel enough with you he doesn’t feel important enough with you I’m only tell you one side cuz I know the same is true with you in a different way you don’t feel like you’re enough because the things that he’s done I know this is I know this is not a one-sided piece I want you to know that I’m starting with you because he has the illusion and you’ve had the illusion that he has power in this situation right and I want you to know it’s not true you’ve always had the power because he’s given it to you in all these attempting viewers take some of it back and that’s scary because you think that some of that means losing certainty and it does in our culture when one of the spouses has excessive power over the other the marriage is not sustainable because Jen derives so much power from her family Paul sought to balance the power in the relationship with the threat of abandonment how is your extended family involved in your relationships does this create a sense of inequality if so what happens in the relationship to counterbalance that means losing the thing you’re valued most but if you could lose it and go into love first you own this man’s soul if you could go back to loving him he’s you know Tony gives Jen another better way to gain power over a ball by giving him love let me explain something to you whenever I meet couples and they come and tell me I gave him everything which is what you would’ve told me we’re sitting down at a session or you’d say I gave her everything and I’m you know everything else is more important than me I would say each gave everybody everything except what they needed and if I were to ask you your most important need you said of certainty and it’s a tattoo okay your father’s part of that but your father needed to pass at some point so you could have a man he can never be your man or your father alive he has a chance now Wow Wow Oh we live back into this thing again with all over the place on this one I never looked at it that way he could actually you could become his sweetie there have been moments you’ve been in sweetie but the very brief moment do you think he hasn’t felt that I’m certain he has so how could he ever feel like a man when some other man has his life he can’t well he could he could have broken through and said that’s her father and I’m your man I’m let me show you let me show you the difference but he was raised by women in captivity by the way while we’re on that topic what are the odds of my family liking my wife you tell me in that situation for women raised one boy with a totally protective up and who probably lavished his ass with love and guess what you had to do for that nothing Criswell rot no wonder he’s a [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] by the way can I thank you for your unbelievable openness ooh she keeps going to here and she opens back up again I just imagine those fantastic beautiful by the way how many see the turf war is going on here between these two families on top of it right each is protecting their own his family saying get rid of the bitch you deserve somebody better love your ass she doesn’t love you she loves those kids they point out to him everything he already knows it makes it more difficult because he also wants their love which is the only love he’s ever known that doesn’t go away what’s really needed is thank God you got a sister who’s got a particle loves you and is bright yes I know she looks at him and says I love you too she’s more than just protective she really wants the best for both of you she’s an amazing woman I know his family is amazing family but they’re more about taking care of their own she wants what’s great for everybody exactly from a needs perspective if I asked you where was your level of certainty zero to ten in your life you said it’s a to what is it right now hmm yesin said he’s gonna stay okay now it’s back down to a two no I like your human how come even though you hadn’t said that you’re you’re feeling a seven because this is the first time that we’ve actually gotten to the gut of what our issues are and so I know I feel more certain that now we know what the gut of the issues are he’s not going to want to leave oh that’s good now Tony will test Jen’s understanding of how Paul’s needs were or were not getting met as you listen ask yourself the level at which you have been meeting your partner six human needs do you know what his would be of those areas if I asked you how much certainty do you think he had that he could really be your man and that you would love him passionately probably you too how much variety you think he was feeling within his relationship with you if you would have get into his head where would you put it zero to ten probably a two as well and how significant do you think he he felt he was to you I would say made me like a four and then how much love do you think he was feeling coming from you probably a six or seven okay how much growth do you think he was feeling with you none don’t you don’t grow you die and how much contribution do you think he felt you felt he was giving you none and how would he feel like a man that way he wouldn’t can you see why I want to leave yes it is clear that Jen now understands ball situation from his perspective and when you went home and talk to your family about all this what did they tell you I didn’t talk to them about the idea that I’d break up with my wife but what have they said about your relationship oh nothing good nothing good yeah nothing good and they thought that I could do better and why would they think you could do better why would they think I could do better [Applause] why did they think you could do better I really can’t answer that I don’t know is it possible kid why do you think um one of the biggest reasons initially was because I wasn’t Catholic oh yeah that makes sense yeah my mother’s as close to a nun as you can get okay I look don’t get me wrong I love her dearly but so the bottom line is she’s not Catholic so she’s gonna go to hell and take you with her you got it I’m sure Canada so where’s your level of certainty now Paul zero to ten that you could make this relationship not just work but one that you would adore and enjoy and you would not even consider something else for and.and don’t I’m not bullshitting eight [Applause] what could you do to help her value yourself more just have faith in what else could you do what else could you do show her around and tell her what I feel you don’t do that a lot lately this is a good moment I actually did that because this is what’s gonna show up later after this blow honeymoons over she’s gonna test you she’s she like right now her hopes are up she’s a little girl in Hope shop and then a Parvez going okay that I get a feeling this thing’s wrapping up now Tony guys gonna be gone we’re gonna be left with each other that’s he gonna still be this way later on so let me test him so she makes a little sarcastic remark just to see if you become a and feel rejected and leave or if you say no or yes or come here my love sweets all right that’s what she’s gonna look to see if you have the ability to do now you’re new at this so the tendency is gonna be to go to you know the little mama’s boy right that is the tendency and don’t think that she doesn’t love you and then pull love away and go run off into some fantasy world where everything’s gonna be perfect and there’s no pain cuz if you’re gonna be in a relationship there’s gonna be pain but it can be a lot less if you don’t let it be painful if you start showing up as a man I’ll tell you how be a man you put your fear on the Shelf and love this woman with every ounce of your soul the more she comes at you the more it makes you out a good way to prevent Paul and Jen from falling into old ways is to predict that they will and to provide them with alternative ways of behaving when that happens Tony just gave Paul specific instructions on how to give Jen certainty and love if anyone was watching closely that during this session she started vowing love more than certainty how many felt that you feel that definitely that was a seismic change she’s already made but she’s still a girl and here’s what’s gonna happen they’re gonna be times when nothing you do will make her happy and she’s wanting to see if you’re gonna run like some guy like most people do cuz most guys run they go watch TV they go she’s unreasonable to go read a book they go you know go get drunk they go you know work harder or are you gonna break through now here’s how it works when she goes in those modes just set your clock and think this is a three hour conversation reality three hours when she says nothing think three hours and you guys saying nothing what is it honey nothing what honey what is it I know you nothing nothing you’re imagining things honey I worship you I know you better anybody on this earth what is it and then be prepared to find out what it is okay and then what’s happening you gotta work this the hardest part not to be hooked because everything she says you’re gonna think is your fault even if she’s not making it your fault and she will sometimes cuz you’ll be beating yourself up and then when you beat yourself up you’ll be angry and you’ll yell at her when you’re just angry with yourself because you don’t feel like you’ve really done a good enough job because you didn’t make her happy you didn’t anticipate it figure it out but since emotions are faster than thought you won’t even know it all you’ll know is you’re angry you think it’ll be her it’ll really be you the final step in the intervention is a ritual of commitment which is like a renewal of the marital vows as you listen think to yourself what is the most important thing that you can commit to your partner what does he or she want more than anything else so now I want to know what do you commit to this man I commit to make you know that you’re number one in my life [Applause] now you young man what are you commit to this woman and before you commit she thought about what you really need she didn’t just to commit off the top of her head she didn’t commit by thinking about what she’d be willing to give see remember I said when people leave a relationship I’ve never met a human on earth that ever left a relationship with her partner was meeting all their needs and you both knew you were meeting each other’s needs all you got to do is my partner how much certainly am i giving my partner that they’re the most important thing how much variety am I giving my partner now how significant are they making them feel how much love we always oh I love them completely but we forget about the other needs and is it the way they receive love we tell them they love them but they want to look into our eyes or they want to be touched or held if they want to be made love to their way of the receiving love not your way of expressing how much growth am i helping to stimulate my partner how much it am i contributing in their mind to them not my mind and if those numbers are in the range of six five four you guys are friends and if there are three to one your roommates or on your way out and it’s eight nine and ten you guys have a legendary relationship and that’s growing like crazy and if all you did was check in regularly instead of just checking with what you’re not getting what is it that she needs and don’t say it cuz it’s smart say it from your heart cuz she’ll know oh I know I don’t wanna do I promise you a strength and a love that you have never seen before now we can celebrate [Applause] [Music] he’s so beautiful [Applause] lovely [Music] I see the man in you it’s a heart built there there’s a strong girl we need a separate from your mother and family not separate but you have to let them die so that she can become your one and only just like she’s now gonna you’re gonna be her man and you got a promise to never threaten again or don’t cadet but don’t do be in between but she won’t be able to survive that neither will you yeah [Music] Jojo in the midst of a powerful embrace Tony completes the intervention by blocking once and for all boss threat of abandonment the secret of a happy relationship is to know how to satisfy each other’s human needs when you satisfy any two needs of a person you have made a connection when you satisfy four of their needs you have created a bond if you satisfy all six of their needs the person will never want to leave you as we end this film ask yourself are you meeting your partner’s human needs [Music] [Applause] [Music] now please stay tuned to see a short follow up with fallen Chen as well as practical guidelines to use what you’ve learned now the decisions that we’ve made and certainly I can speak for myself I’ve just a I’m just so filled with happiness since I’ve since I’ve left the Bahamas you know just the ability to experience the love that was always there I know where I was I was completely distanced from my wife we had a cold relationship we both knew there was something there and we were we were struggling to survive together it’s really the way it was and and it started getting lonely I think I know myself I felt empty I’m sure Jen felt that because I wasn’t giving any anything I wasn’t giving any and I was giving everything I had to the kids you know and to my family and you know because I wasn’t getting it from him you know but I loved him I knew I loved him you know so I was just so afraid to lose him that I just you know did anything I could just because I knew we had it in our hearts you know so we were hanging on is the best way to say it is that we were hanging on it was physically I started to feel so much chest pain on a daily basis I really started to believe I was gonna have a heart attack it really felt like I was going to I feel like I can every day I didn’t see anything else if they just they love the person they’re with and they know in their heart just try one more time because it’s so worth it so what’s changed not only am I getting more of her affection you know that was always there I’m noticing it more it was always there but I’m noticing it more and my kids realize that we have a different relationship it definitely I think it definitely feels different for the kids I mean we were always we always tried to have as much normalcy you know as we could in the household you know but the kids are I think I’ve noticed a huge difference you know I think everybody has I think our families I think one of the biggest things is that my time with my kids now is available to them because I’m not distracted about how unhappy I am in other areas of my life I am totally present with my kids and I’m also totally present with Jen when I’m with her and my kids understand that too that you know mom’s the priority here at this time yeah it’s amazing there’ll be times when you know he’ll come in and spending some time with me in the kids with anybody daddy daddy you know and he said you know what mommy’s number one right now you know daddy’s spending some time with mommy and that’s just so oh just makes me melt you know like I just feel like I’m number one and that you know and and I you know work you know it and making sure he knows that he’s never one for me you know I think every day about the commitment that I made in that aisle in the Bahamas I promise you a strength and a love that you have never seen and I’ll never forget that and I even told her today I said I love you so much today and you will never lose this love so don’t worry unbelievable yeah like I you know it’s like I I’m crying cuz I just can’t even like it’s like I can’t even believe it this is something you don’t want to let go here are some ways to apply what you’ve learned to your relationship now what are your top two needs certainty variety significance connection love growth or contribution second how do you meet your top needs do you satisfy them more at work at home with friends with relatives or by yourself what has to happen for you to feel that your top needs are met how often does it have to happen and with whom are you more responsive to words to touch to visual cues or gifts and gestures what could your partner do to meet your needs better and more regularly have you told your partner take a moment to write it down pause the DVD if you’d like to take extra time third ask yourself at what level are you meeting your partner six human needs write on a scale from one to ten how certain is your partner that you love them how much variety and surprise do they get from you how significant do they feel that they are number one in your life how much love and connection do they get from you on a daily basis how much growth do they feel in your relationship and how much do you help them to contribute is your partner more responsive to words touch visual cues or gifts and gestures what could you do every month every week every day or several times per day for your partner how would it feel to be completely confident that you can meet your partner’s needs if you are not sure how to meet your partner’s different needs ask them what has to happen for you to feel this meat has been met as this question with respect to all six needs everyone has individual ways for meeting their needs as their partner your job is to know and serve them even if their needs are difficult for you to understand now ask yourself which of your top needs are being met by people outside of your intimate relationship are they family members friends colleagues children are you getting more significance love or variety from people other than your intimate partner does your partner ever feel jealous or displaced by this or are you getting needs met by someone who is critical or judgmental of your partner if this kind of intrusion is creating a challenge for your partner you need to correct it here is your assignment call this other significant person whether it is your mother your sister your brother or your friend and tell them how much you love your partner tell them how happy you are to be in love with them and how much they mean to you observe the other person’s reaction as you tell them this person needs to understand that your partner comes first and that your partner is meeting your needs likewise this will help your partner feel that you are putting him or her above your other relationships repeat this once a week Tony teaches that there are three levels of relationship in a level 1 relationship the partners are only concerned about getting their own needs met this type of relationship cannot last at level 2 the partners barter for needs I’ll give you what you want if you give me what I want we call this horse trading this relationship can last but will not bring lasting intimacy at level 3 the partners put the others needs first this is the only relationship where love is unconditional and it is essential to long lasting fulfillment you cannot enjoy your relationship at the highest level unless both of you are at level 3 discovering how to meet each other’s needs and putting each other first if you can do this your relationship will transform before your eyes you you

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