What Makes Guys Shut Down Emotionally And Withdraw | Relationship Advice With Carlos Cavallo

hey this is Carlos Cavallo from dating advice guru.com hey it’s no secret one of the biggest problems that women have is with guys pulling away in growing distance so today we’re going to talk about what makes guys shut down emotionally and withdraw it’s no secret that there are two things that every relationship question typically boils down to in my experience these are the emails I get and the calls I get and the people that I coach how do I get my guy to adore worship and appreciate me and number two is how do I get my guy to stop shutting down and withdrawing from me he’s distant well if I’m perfectly straight with you here and I always am number two is pretty much the same as number one even if it doesn’t seem like it on the surface let’s be real here guys are not easy to reach emotionally we’re hard to read we don’t always talk about our feelings we even go so far as to hide a lot of our emotional content from you so yeah I get it men seem emotionally distant but here’s an important fact that most women don’t know and that is that men feel emotions just as deeply as women do we just keep them out of sight another fact is that men are never rewarded for being more emotional or expressive in most men’s experience we never win by being emotionally transparent to anyone it’s how we grew up and it’s how we were cultured as men but here’s another fact you have to face and this is gonna be the controversial stuff that I love to read about in the comments another fact is that men are not attractive when we are overly emotional you know it no matter what you want a guy to be if you want them to be more emotional whatever it is you also know that you would get sick of him being emotional really quick if that’s all he did it’s okay and your girlfriend’s it’s not okay in a guy that being said most men could use a little work on their emotional communication so let’s talk about reason number one why he’s gone distant on you he’s overwhelmed yeah you might have heard me say this once or twice guys don’t respond to women’s emotional expression in the best way you can’t force a guy into responding to everything in your conversation or overload them with 15 minutes of emotional content or else you’re going to get the fastest and least helpful information out of give them an opportunity to breathe let them think it over and then let them get it back to you if you have to set a time and a date for the rest maybe the second half of the conversation after you’ve given them some time to recover and then just extend them the courtesy of not interrupting him when it comes turn for him to speak or else you’re likely gonna see him shut right back down again men need a lot of space to feel safe and comfortable enough to open their hearts and their feelings to you just as much as you need to express your feelings to him why he emotionally shuts down and you reason number two is he’s overlooked you see men are happy to listen to you and hear out whatever is troubling you when we’re in love we have no problem with that your happiness means everything does in fact there’s a saying in Italian families like the one I came from it’s usually said by the men if you’re happy I’m happy however if we sense that we can’t do anything to please you or make you happy we will shut down I know you’re saying Carlos is not that he can’t do anything to please me it’s yeah I know you feel there’s something he could do for you but very often the emotional content of the conversation which is what the men hear sends us in the opposite direction especially if it doesn’t feel like he’s the one it’s also being heard and remember that 90 percent of the problems in relationships boil down to one simple thing one person doesn’t feel heard because the other person is too busy wallowing in their own hurt why he pulls away from you reason number three you’re too nice yeah you heard me on this one you’re too flippin nice to this guy guys don’t need you to be so indirect about telling us how we need to shape up and get a thing to get our butts in gear we respond best to straight and clear communication yeah which is something most women would never do in conversation especially with your girlfriends women are conditioned to be very soft and gentle in the way that they handle the other women in their lives however the more indirect you are with a guy the more likely he’s going to interpret your request to be not a big deal since you made it sound like not such a big deal you got to be straightforward with them don’t waffle and dance around the subject like you’re afraid of getting him Matty you because you’re mad at him I know it’s kind of neurotic but that’s what a lot of women do is they back off from their own feelings because they don’t want to get him mad don’t nag him you have to be able to talk to him to get him to listen to you but at the same time just show them that you’re disappointed that’s gonna kick his butt into gear disappointment motivates guys okay he’s not responding to you reason number four no romance look this one is going to come as a bit of a shocker to you but when men are asked what why they’re not romantic anymore it usually comes down to one simple reason she’s not romantic with me yeah guys want you to be romantic too remember that cute stuff you used to do back when you were first dating guys love that stuff it’s a two-way street folks on the other hand if you’re breaking your back being too romantic to them or working too hard for the romance cut that stuff out too if you’re doing too much work he’ll figure he doesn’t have to do anything and there’s a comfortable back-and-forth of romance and romantic effort in relationships that actually works out it’s like a teeter totter and from the playground you’d be surprised to know just how many women ask their man to show initiative but then they never demonstrate any initiative of their own to make things happen in the relationship remember that you can only control you the way we get others to do stuff is to meet their expectations while we communicate our expectations and finally why he grows cold and distant reason number five he’s not feeling desired or respected guys are actually pretty simple to please we only need two things to run our own romantic engines pretty much forever it’s the fuel of our love lives men want to feel respected and we want to feel wanted both sexually and emotionally I’m pretty sure you like those things too right respect for a man is pretty easy just tell us we’re appreciated for what it is we do yeah it’s that simple if he does something you like tell him just like the rule with kids catch them doing something right and then recognize it because what gets recognized gets repeated which also means that when you only recognize the negative stuff he will probably repeat that as well sometimes we want any recognition so we’ll settle for the negative but it’s not what makes us open up to you all relationships that work are built on overwhelming positive communication it just simply means you talk more about the good stuff than the bad stuff now you’re probably wondering how do you communicate to guys it seems so confusing what it is they really want what it is they need what do they want to hear how do they want to hear it how do you make him feel desired and respected and you might wonder how to ask for what you need along the way because that’s just as important well it’s amazingly simple it’s all in the words you use with him you can trigger any man to resume the chase you can have him wrapped around your finger just like he was when he wasn’t so sure about how you felt about him you want to learn how to trigger his seeking system so that he wants you and only you go find out go discover the secret love language of men how we communicate love and how we tell you exactly how we’re feeling go on over to dating advice guru.com forward slash obsession or just click the little link you see below this video and while you’re at it make sure you do the big 3 make sure you like this video make sure you hit subscribe so you can keep getting these tips every week and of course leave me your comments and questions below in the comments this is Carlos Cavallo from dating advice guru calm as always it’s a pleasure and as always I want you to live and love this passion [Music]

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